Mothering, Motivation and Handling It All!

My son= my motivation…..My son was a preemie and only my family and some friends know this….I had my wonderful boy in my late 30’s and my pregnancy was anything but normal or happy.  I didn’t experience the pregnancy bliss felt by so many. There were many visits to the OB, many ultrasounds, bad news one week, good news the next…A roller coaster of a short pregnancy….But then my 2lb, 3oz baby boy was born…June 1, 2010…The best and the worst feelings a mom can feel all at once. I had my son, kissed him on his head and he was wisked away by the specialists who needed to work on him and told me the next 24 hours were touch and go….See he was born at 2 1/2 months early. Due August 17, born June 1, 2010. I was told the whole time in the hospital the day before I had him that they would going to stop the contractions and help stop dialation, gave me meds, complete bed rest..and so on….They thought they could stall delivery for another week, but the contractions didn’t show up on the machine and my surprise and the surprise of everyone at the hospital, my little peanut was determined to come and I was told he was coming soon.

My beautiful baby boy, determined then and still is wanted out and so at 6:03, he was born….June 1, 210 and not August 17, 2010 as was intended….

My feelings were that of pure joy as I saw him for the first time and scared beyond belief as I was told he may or may not live. The hairs on my arms still stand as I even write this…I had so many feelings go through me during birth, while he was in the NICU and still to this very day.

I, initially, thought that I was being punished. For all the wrongs I had done in my life, and I did many, I thought that I was meant to experience the happiness of being pregnant, planning on being a mom and then in one big swoop, have it all go away…Did I do this to him? I thought that him being preemie was my fault somehow and so I waited for the first week

My little beautiful boy who I had to wait almost a week to even hold. What did I do? How could I have done this to this little boy? What did I do wrong that made this happen? Could all the bad I had done in life be my punishment now bestowed upon this little man? Was I being punished and made to suffer? Weird thought huh? But at this point, I just didn’t know…There was a lot I had experienced before I got pregnant and half my life, I just thought I wasn’t having any children, and a lot of the time, I didn’t want any….

But my preemie experienced all those medical conditions that a preemie can go through and I accepted that. The bleeding brain, the eye problems, the blood problems, the heat and temperature problems. You name it, he had it.  But I learned to love this little boy tangled in wires, patches over his eyes so that they could continue to develop, sunken chest breathing in and out,  and when I finally took him in my arms, did I come to realize that I loved this little man with my whole heart and soul and I accepted what ever challenges he may face and he did face many while in the NICU, but I never wavered my love and belief that I would accept him anyway he was….He actually made it through the NICU experience, grew, got to the point when he could come home (actually before his due date) and after 40+ days of constant visits, three to four times a day, evenings spent overnight, I got to take my baby home, on a heart monitor and all.  Sickness plagues him today, this very day and I realize with each sickness and unhealthy moment, I feel a twinge of guilt. Had his preemie birth caused him to have these problems? The mommy guilt I have. If only I took it  easier when pregnant. If only I rested more. But then I realize each time I look into his little eyes,he was a blessing from the start. God gave him to me when I was ready to have him. No one ever promised it would be easy but my current state of mind, allows me to care for him and actually be a mom. I realized he came to me when God thought I was ready to have him and be a mom, God knows that I am strong enough to handle whatever illnesses that may challenge him….Five years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to handle this or even day to day tasks of raising a child. So instead of guilt, Im turning that feeling into motivation. I try every day to be a good mom. Am I perfect, hell no….I can’t say there is a perfect parent out there although some may feel they are…But deep down, I know I love my son, he is my inspiration and he is the one who motivates me every day to do good. This is just part of my story, one I am willing to share, the illnesses that he faced and what he still goes through to this very day, the challenges I have overcome for blaming his prematurity on myself and to not feel guilty, and how he helped change my life and made me the person I am today… I can be proud to be a mom and one I never thought I would ever become. When you think of what you are thankful for, what is it that drives you? For me it is my son.

I would love to hear from you and your story of motivation, faith and parenthood…

You see, we all have stories…Some motivate us, some make us sad, but in the end, we are all connected by our stories….

Please follow my blog to hear more about me, my life and my stories….

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